Day 5

Now back on track with my daily letters.

dear ex:
dear girl I hate:
dear someone I love:
dear ex bestfriend:
dear bestfriend:
dear mom:
dear dad:
dear old me:
dear new me:

Mom. I'm sorry for being the unruly teen that I am. Which I wouldn't say I'm really that unruly. Its just I don't want to listen to your rules. Yet again what teen does. I feel like I get it pretty hard compared to most for the fact you're a cop and you're 24/7 in my business. That's something I cant change. Honestly, I don't see me really keeping in contact with you when I move out or do my own thing. Just for the fact Ive had no choice to deal with you for 18 years of my life, and it was annoying. You never really let me do much because you felt that I was doing bad things. You always feel that I'm doing bad things just because you're a cop and you think you know how all teens act. But really, I'm probably one of the best ones out there that don't get in trouble. I know a couple of years back when I told you I didn't want to live with you anymore and I was going to move to FLA it really hurt your feelings. But you made me mad, you never let me do anything because you thought I was doing bad things. That the problem I have with you. You assume all the time and its annoying. I hate how you always try to be in my business and ask me questions all the time about everything. Honestly if I wanted you to know my life Id tell you. But I don't. Cause all you would do is judge and that's not what I want. I'm not going to lie, Ive think you raised a really good girl, and you taught me to always do the right thing. And I appreciate that a lot. But somethings I just cant over look, like the way you used to verbally abuse me. Its whatever now because you don't do it and I know I'm better than that. And maybe that's where my problems start with you, I don't know. Just remember though, Ill always be you're daughter.

Sincerely, you're youngest child.

Something that is so sad to say.

My Best friend, or used to be best friend. I don't know what he would consider me right now gets on my nerves so much.

Honestly he is a cry baby, and everything has to go his way. Like come on now, you're 17 turning 18 in a month and you still get mad because nothing ever goes your way or if you gets your feelings hurt. I'm sorry but you really need to grow up and realize that the world does not involve around you.

I think its pretty pathetic that he's also ignoring my boyfriend who has been his best friend for I don't know how long all because he's mad at me for giving him an opinion that HE ASKED ME for.

How dumb can he be to get mad over an opinion that he asked for. Honestly if he didn't want the truth, which of all people he asked, me, he should know that I'm going to give him an honest opinion and I'm not going to worry if I hurt his feeling or not. Because best friends can usually do that.

Sometimes I feel like he's are worse than a girl. He needs to do us all a favor and stop being a little cry baby and GROW UP. I really don't think I can say it enough.

I'm not going to say anything to him, I'm not even going to apologize for saying the truth and my opinion. I didn't do anything wrong. And I happen to think that it is really fucked up that his girlfriend, who was once my best friend, wont talk to me now because he's mad at me.

I know this is mean, but he's pathetic. And he really makes me mad. I'm sure if this all blows over, everything will be fine for the rest of Senior year, but I can guarantee you we wont be friends after. I cant deal with how he is anymore. Its gets on my nerves. Everything has to be about him.

Not to mention that his sister who used to be my best friend now also hates me because of what I said. When a lot of people hate me for what I said. But I bet that they don't know that HE was the one that ASKED ME for MY OPINION. I'm sure he just told them all that I straight up I said something mean when I didn't.

But honestly it doesn't bother me. I don't really need him as a friend or any of the other people that are on 'his side' because I'm such a horrible person. I wont talk to them after this school year anyway. So no matter how this ends, it wont affect me.

Sorry everyone, just a rant I'm going on because I honestly came to the conclusion that I don't like my best friend. Let me rephrase that, I like him, just not the way he goes about certain things. But oh well. Not my problem anymore. I don't care, yet again I don't care about much.

Day 4

I know I haven't blogged since Thursday. Ive been busy. Sue me, I actually have a life. But I'm tired so be thankful I'm doing this. For whoever somehow finds my writings.

Today is best friend. It actually took me a while to figure this one out. Simple for the fact I don't have any best friends. Other than my boyfriend, but he has no choice but to be my best friend. But after a talk today with someone, it made it very clear who it is.

dear ex:
dear girl I hate:
dear someone I love:
dear ex bestfriend:
dear bestfriend:
dear mom:
dear dad:
dear old me:
dear new me:
Bestfriend, what can I honestly say about you? I guess I could start with the reason and fact of why we are best friends. We're the perfect bestfriends because we view friendships the same exact way. We realize that we don't have to be shoved up each others ass 24/7 to be considered best friends. We realize that we have our own lives separate from each other, and we realize that we both have our own boyfriends so obvisoluly its hard for us to spend a lot of time talking other than when we're at school. That's the kind of friendship I loveeeeee. Maybe that's why me and you have lasted being friends for so long. That and well, maybe for the fact my mom actually likes you. :p Lets see, our beautiful friendship started all because of Ryan. :) I tried so hard to get you hooked up with him in 7th grade. Those we're the good years. I know even though we enjoy how everything is now-a-days, we would give anything to go back to 2007 when we were all still together. I love our friendship because even though we don't talk all the time when we do, its like nothing has changed and we're just picking up to where we left off. You're always there for me, and you understand me really well. Which is what I need in my life. I need people who understand me. I don't have time to explain myself. I love how we have our little lesbian ways, and how we believe that more than half the school thinks we're gay for each other because we're constantly grabbing one anothers private parts, but we do it for the fun. ;) This is our last year in school together and I really don't know what Im going to do without you.. I know you will only be a call away, but I'm scarred that we'll drift apart. But I know that it'll be okay, because I know that no matter what we'll just pick up to where we left off. Because that's what we do. We act like nothings changed and we just continue forward. I want you to know that no matter what I will always be here for you. I know you go through a lot in your life but if you ever need me, like I said each of us is only a call away. Well, we have 6 months left in school but I really feel like Im writing something that will go in your yearbook so its making me a little teary eyed (don't worry, what I write will be a million times better than this. That way every time you read it you cry, lol). But I need to end this before I start bawling my eyes out. We need to make this last 6 months count. We need to make it unforgettable like the rest of our friendship. We need to make it count.

I'll always be here when you need a friend. Love you forever, your bestfriend.

Day 3

I'm going to skip someone I love for the end. I have too much on my mind right now to attempt to write that one. So Ill go ahead and do Ex Bestfriend. It'll probably be a long one, so prepare yourself.

dear ex:
dear girl I hate:
dear someone I love:
dear ex bestfriend:
dear bestfriend:
dear mom:
dear dad:
dear old me:
dear new me:

You know, I wouldn't say that I really regret our friendship. I mean all in all, we had some really good times. But I guess the more you are around someone the better you get to know them, and I think that's what happened to us. Honestly I think if we were to be in a room together by ourselves, I'd probably try to murder you from all the shit that you've tried pulling in the past 3 years. You're an attention whore, and everything has to be about you 24/7. With all the rumors about my boyfriend (your ex, not the same girl from the girl I hate letter) you started, to the shit talking about me and all the other friends you've lost that have been my friend way before you've ever met them, you deserve all the shit that happens in your life. I'm sorry, and I know that's mean. How can someone go from being best friends to thinking something like that? Well, like I said, I feel like you just love to have everything about you, and when its not you find some way to make it about you. Its really not that cool. If you were at all smart, like I know that you actually are you'd realise that you have lost more than 5 friends within the past 5 years. If you would think about it, maybe that means there is something wrong with you and maybe you should change your attitude about somethings. The other day you got into a so called 'fight' at school. Personally (not even for the fact it was with my best friend) I wish you would have gotten the shit beat out of you. I think just one time someone needs to show you up. It wont be me. The drama I have with you is gone, and I could careless about you and the choices you make today. Its upsetting that things ended the way they did. And its not like it was over anything major, but I guess one thing led to another and things just started to build up. I really hope that as you get older you learn that you're life is what you make it and you don't always have to be involved in drama like you always are. I hope you grow up and become mature. Even though we are no longer friends and never will be, I hope you find you're way in this world and it ends up being everything and more for you.

From a friend you'll never get back due to everything.

Day 2

Most people didn't do girl I hate, because they all said they didn't hate people. That's stupid. Weather or not anyone wants to admit it, we all hate someone.

dear ex:
dear girl I hate:
dear someone I love:
dear ex bestfriend:
dear bestfriend:
dear mom:
dear dad:
dear old me:
dear new me:

Well, I hate you a lot, and you know it. And honestly, throughout all the shit you put me and my boyfriend through I wouldn't accept an apology from you, ever. Everyone thought you were so nice, coming from a different country and all. But I was one of the few who actually got to see the side of who you really are. Don't think just because you aren't from America you get special treatment now, that's not how it works. You earn trust and respect, you don't just automatically get it. Even though I did bless you with it. You still messed it up. We only ever hung out outside of school 2 times one time at Walmart where I almost fought you, I wanted to fight you so bad. I should have hit you too. You deserved it for talking shit on people you don't even know. And the second time at my boyfriends (your boyfriend at the time) birthday party. I hope the only reason why you were allowed to go was because you promised you would be on your best behavior and not say anything to me. Because honestly, if you would have said one thing to me, I don't care if my boyfriends family was there, I would have hit you. It was pretty pathetic and shitty what you did. You came in and took MY 'BESTFRIEND' at the time, away from me.. honestly what gave you the right to even do that? You weren't here long enough to even know me, but because you were jealous and felt threatened you felt the need to destroy my life for 3 months. Everyone knows that what you did was a little fucked up, and that's why you almost got in trouble with the school. Like I said, just because you came from a different country doesn't mean you get treated differently than an American. And like I said, even if you came to me today for forgiveness, I wouldn't forgive you. You're are dead to me, plain and simple. Someday, even though I know you never will, I hope you read this. That way maybe you could just see how much you piss me off.

Have a good night, from a hater (and proud to be one)

I dont want to do this on Facebook. Day 1

Every one is doing this stuff on their status for Facebook, I think its kind of lame they're doing it on there. Smart people would use notes. I think it would be better.. That's just me. I wanna do it, but I don't want to do it on Facebook. So who better to share it with than the only person who reads my blog, Trevor? He is the only one I send the link to. Other than every once in a while my tumblr. But Ill start, I'm only doing one of these a day though.

dear ex:
dear girl I hate:
dear someone I love:
dear ex bestfriend:
dear bestfriend:
dear mom:
dear dad:
dear old me:
dear new me:

Well lets see, I liked you a lot. You know, I actually thought I loved you. Little did I know, I was wrong. I know I broke your heart when I broke things off with you, I know that. And I'm really sorry for doing it. But YOU made me wait 4 years to get the relationship I thought I wanted. When everything was said and done and we were finally a couple, I tried so hard to make myself believe that I was happy to be with you, but truth is I wasn't. I know from past experiences that if you aren't happy, you shouldn't be in a relationship and lead that person on. So that's what I did. I had to end it. I couldn't do that to you. You weren't a horrible person like most exes are to a girl, you were actually nice, somewhat. You made me happy for the time being when I was down. But I just couldn't deal with the waiting, I told you that. And you knew yourself that while you made me wait those last 2 and half months before we dated, I was falling for someone else. You deserved so much better, you deserved to be someone who would make your time worth while. Although, I cant' say we officially dated for very long 2 weeks if that. But I consider you an ex, we have history 4 years to be exact. You know, maybe me ending everything was good in the end. I know you were wanting to go back to Puerto Rico after you graduated, but I know that if/when we had ever dated you wouldn't go if I was in the picture. Now that I'm out, you're back home where you wanted to be, and I hope you are happy being back there. Yes, when we broke up you got on my nerves. You kept telling me you wanted me back, you couldn't picture you're life with anyone else. But I guess that's what happens when you're heart breaks, you beg for people back. And I can honestly say all the times we were 'on and off' unofficially, never once was I heartbroken over it, I guess that right there should have been the first sign I didn't really want you. I know you had a future for us. You told me how you wanted our lives to be when we got married when we had kids and all that stuff. But another thing, that just wasn't the life I saw for myself. You know, its probably a good thing you will never read this, because I'm sure you hate me now and you would just laugh in my face. But I guess in short, I just want to tell you that I hope you are happy, and I'm sorry for hurting you. It wasn't my intention.

From, just a girl seeking forgiveness.

Eating Disorders?

Honestly, if society wasn't they way it was today, I think a lot of people would be okay. I don't think they would feel the need to harm themselves.

5 years ago exactly on Thanksgiving that just passed, I passed out from not eating.. That's right, I was anorexic. Definitely not one of my smartest things, but at that moment in my life, I was happy. And let me say that's saying something because 7th grade was not a good year at all.. I had a lot of problems. I got told every day that I was 'big' and I only weighed 150, if that. I felt like something needed to be done, so sure enough something I could control and be so much more easier than a diet would to just not eat all together. As sick as it is to say, I was proud of it. I though, "Yes, I get to be skinny now. No one can judge me for being too skinny. I'll finally be happy." And like I said I was. I knew it was a problem when I passed out. It happened Thanksgiving day. I went to my step dad family's house in West VA. They kept trying to get me to eat because it was Thanksgiving, but I simply just sat there and said no, I was okay. Later that night every one was around the table talking and all of a sudden I got really dizzy, I didn't know what was going on, I remember getting up, and that was it. When I 'woke' back up I was hugging a toilet and my mother was coming into the bathroom to check on me. I told her I was okay, I didn't want her to worry. Next thing I knew I was burning up. I told her I was going out side because I was hot. I went outside without a jacket while it was snowing, and I was still burning up. When we got back to my step dads moms house, they made me eat. I felt a little bit better after that. After that moment, I knew that I was going to start eating again, that was the scariest thing I have ever gone through. I knew I couldn't do it anymore.

I know a lot of people that have gone without eating, and people who have made themselves throw up. And so far Ive herd that they didn't mind it because it made them happy. They had control over something, they finally felt good enough. For me to hear that, and to know that I ever thought that upsets me to no end.

Honestly though, I still think about going back to it. Almost everyday. I would give anything to be 'thin' again. Actually if I was comfortable with the fact of letting myself throw up, I'd do that. I know its probably sickening and sad to hear me say that, but its true. If only I had the guts to do it again. Who know, I might just have to.. I'm running out of lunch money. We'll see, I guess..

I just want all the girls out there to know that they are beautiful. Yea, trust me I know. It looks like I just made a contradictory statement. But its true, every one is. Even me. Its all just a matter of believing yourself if you are or not. No one can change your opinion of you, but you.

Don't forget, you are beautiful.

Love always, me