Eating Disorders?

Honestly, if society wasn't they way it was today, I think a lot of people would be okay. I don't think they would feel the need to harm themselves.

5 years ago exactly on Thanksgiving that just passed, I passed out from not eating.. That's right, I was anorexic. Definitely not one of my smartest things, but at that moment in my life, I was happy. And let me say that's saying something because 7th grade was not a good year at all.. I had a lot of problems. I got told every day that I was 'big' and I only weighed 150, if that. I felt like something needed to be done, so sure enough something I could control and be so much more easier than a diet would to just not eat all together. As sick as it is to say, I was proud of it. I though, "Yes, I get to be skinny now. No one can judge me for being too skinny. I'll finally be happy." And like I said I was. I knew it was a problem when I passed out. It happened Thanksgiving day. I went to my step dad family's house in West VA. They kept trying to get me to eat because it was Thanksgiving, but I simply just sat there and said no, I was okay. Later that night every one was around the table talking and all of a sudden I got really dizzy, I didn't know what was going on, I remember getting up, and that was it. When I 'woke' back up I was hugging a toilet and my mother was coming into the bathroom to check on me. I told her I was okay, I didn't want her to worry. Next thing I knew I was burning up. I told her I was going out side because I was hot. I went outside without a jacket while it was snowing, and I was still burning up. When we got back to my step dads moms house, they made me eat. I felt a little bit better after that. After that moment, I knew that I was going to start eating again, that was the scariest thing I have ever gone through. I knew I couldn't do it anymore.

I know a lot of people that have gone without eating, and people who have made themselves throw up. And so far Ive herd that they didn't mind it because it made them happy. They had control over something, they finally felt good enough. For me to hear that, and to know that I ever thought that upsets me to no end.

Honestly though, I still think about going back to it. Almost everyday. I would give anything to be 'thin' again. Actually if I was comfortable with the fact of letting myself throw up, I'd do that. I know its probably sickening and sad to hear me say that, but its true. If only I had the guts to do it again. Who know, I might just have to.. I'm running out of lunch money. We'll see, I guess..

I just want all the girls out there to know that they are beautiful. Yea, trust me I know. It looks like I just made a contradictory statement. But its true, every one is. Even me. Its all just a matter of believing yourself if you are or not. No one can change your opinion of you, but you.

Don't forget, you are beautiful.

Love always, me